Power, Love, & Self Control

A few days ago Trip and I watched a movie we hadn’t seen in years–What Women Want with Mel Gibson. The movie is about a guy who is able to hear women’s thoughts. When the main character first develops this ability, he is completely overwhelmed at the activity of the female mind. Trip looked at me and said, “Is that true? Are ya’ll really always thinking about something” I started laughing, “Yep.” To which he responds, “Ya’ll are crazy!” Apparently men don’t do this.

I have been waking up with a sore jaw and my hands clinched into fists.  My only answer for this is anxiety. Initially, I typed the word stress, but I really don’t have that.  My life is typically pressure free . . . from outside sources anyway.  The strain in my life comes from within.  Those crazy women voices in the movie . . . For me, they are relentless. And considering that a whole movie was based around it, I have a feeling that many of you are plagued by this as well. So, I have this sore jaw, and I also have terrible knots in my neck and shoulders.  About once a week Trip will knead the knots away while I grit my teeth and beg him to stop.  The other night he  said to me, “What in the world causes you to literally be in knots?  You get up each morning and pray and read the word.  You should be in top notch shape!”  At his comment, which I totally agree with by the way, I just started laughing.  And my response:  “Imagine what I would be like if I didn’t do that.  I would probably be in a padded room somewhere.” 

These things going on in my mind and body are internal indicators that maybe I’m not quite on the right track despite my constant efforts.  Maybe all those truths that I know in my head aren’t quite sinking into my heart. There have been times in my life when those signals became glaring . . . like blue lights in the rear view kind of blinding. And not only to me.  These times resulted in some very embarrassing situations. Get ready for a good laugh. No judgement please!  My heart is beating fast and my hands are shaking.   

Embarrassing moment #1

First of all, I just want to say that I managed to get 4 children and myself to school clothed (except for that one no shirt incident) and fed (usually), on time (mostly) every day for 10 years.  On this particular day, I must have been especially preoccupied because something that most people do on instinct I somehow forgot to do.  I had been at school about an hour.  The other fourth grade teachers and I were doing hall duty when the principal walked down the hallway.  Mr. Hall stopped as he often did to chat a bit and he said to me, “Do you drive a silver Honda Pilot?”  “Uhmmmm . . . yes. Yes I do!”  “Well,”  he said with a completely straight face, “It’s still running in the parking lot.” I think all of the blood left my brain at this point, and I became completely incompetent. “Uh-uh.  You’re  lying!”  I said this to my boss.  And he just stood there while I very confusingly went to get my keys out of my purse. Except, uhmmm, heellloooo they are in the car! God the Father, Baby Jesus, and all the angels this can not be happening.  I. LEFT. MY. CAR. RUNNING. IN. THE. PARKING. LOT.  And I called my boss a liar!  Speechless.  My eyes filled up with tears.  I was so embarrassed.  I’m surprised that Mr Hall didn’t spend the rest of the day in my classroom observing me.  Okay, God! Check! Got it!  I need to chill!  Help me!

Horrifying moment #2

I am the type of person who when I start something I like to finish it.  Like, right then.  I hate leaving something undone.  And I can be hyper-focused to a fault.  Both of these traits are not good for a teacher with 4 kids trying to actually get work done in the afternoons.   The kids would come in with their homework and want help.  At least one of them would give me a play by play of everything that happened on the playground that day.  This story could actually take my entire planning time, so I would NEVER get to leave school on time.  This particular day I was trying to get all of us out the door at a reasonable time.  I’m doing my usual “Let’s go! Let’s go!  We’re leaving!” which none of them would actually respond to until I  turn the classroom light off and close the door behind me.  So, I walk to the car with my little ducks following behind me thinking about all of those things that were still piled on my desk.  I get in the car. The kids get in the car. The doors close.  I drive off.  And I guess I got about a mile down the road when one of the boys very calmly says, “Hey mom, where’s Judah?” That was it. Like he was asking where he left his snack.  And then my phone rings.  “Mrs. Grace, I think you left something at school.”  Yep!  Your getting it.  I left him.  My baby. Judah.  Left him at school.  Just drove right off. No clue he wasn’t in the car.    The bigs were somewhere between dying of laughter and fear for their own lives.  This mother of mine is actually capable of forgetting us.  And I cried.  It still makes me cry.  Right now I am typing this with tears in my eyes.  But I am laughing a little.  This particular memory is going to take more time to get over.

Both of those moments told me the same thing.  Despite my best attempts to do all the things, be the best wife, the best mom, the best teacher and daughter and friend, I was still failing. Or at least that’s how it felt at the time. When I quit teaching and began working with Trip, the problem with my runaway brain didn’t go away. I still find myself in the same place over and over again. My issue it seems is not with teaching or mom-ing or wife-ing. It goes much deeper–all the way to the foundation of who I am. It is something that I never imagined. It’s fear.

As soon as I realized this, I began mentally making a list. Some of my behaviors that I never understood before began to click into place. I know that Satan is the father of lies and by believing those lies fear sneaked into many aspects of my life. So, what do we do when we feel like we are being attacked? We fight back. We do not sit idly by and allow life to just happen to us. Ephesians 6: 10-20 tells us to put on the armor of God. Several weeks ago I began reading these verses every single morning. I mentally put on my armor each day by asking myself in what areas of my life am I not believing truth. What evidence proves that I am trying to live in my own righteousness? Am I ready to share the gospel of peace or do I shy away from opportunities to let His light shine through me? Do I rest easy knowing that I am redeemed? Am I truly believing his word and in the instances where I find myself doubting do I fight with the word of God? Do I open my mouth and speak the truth of God out loud? Oh, there is so much power in the actual spoken word.

This morning I thumbed over to a verse in Philippians 4. It is so familiar to me it’s like putting on my favorite pajama pants. It may be recognizable to you too. Even if it is, read over it slowly as if it’s your first time.

Anxiety is fear. This verse tells us how to fight it. Three actions: Prayer. Supplication. Worship. We understand mostly what prayer is. When we pray we are generally talking to God. This could mean we are praising Him or thanking Him or making our requests known. We are to do all of these things. Supplication though is a little different. It is very specific. We are asking for God’s intervention in a particular cause. This is the point at which we address whatever the thing is that is causing fear in our souls. And then we thank Him. In the midst of our angst, we tell Him how amazing He is. We tell Him that His plan is absolutely perfect even if it feels like destruction. And we believe that He is able to “work all things for the good” even if we see no way out. Praise and thanksgiving when we aren’t “feeling it” is the epitome of pure worship.

Verse seven is usually where I stop. But this morning God said, “No, no . . . keep reading.” And when I did understanding dawned. The next verses say:

. . . think about such things.

What do my thoughts consist of? Are they true? Not always. Sometimes I make up whole scenarios in my head. Like, what if my whole family dies in a car wreck and leaves me here all alone? This is a path to nowhere good!! Are my thoughts right? Like many women, I tend to look in the mirror and see only flaws. And I am absolutely certain that Trip thinks I’m a hot mama! So, no. Not right. Pure? I’m just going to skip right on over this one. Are my thoughts lovely? Not when I am comparing myself to another. Excellent? Praiseworthy? Are you kidding me? I would be mortified if people could read my mind. Well, guess WHO can. Oh, Jesus.

And there it is. The answer. How do we fight the fear? We pray. We petition. We worship. And “^we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10:5) I will not allow myself to imagine what it would be like as a single, mourning woman. I will not allow myself to look in the mirror with a critical eye or speak negativity over my body. I will not allow myself to be jealous over other women’s accomplishments. Instead I will rejoice with them and thank God for the inspiration that they instill. I will stop and replace the commonplace barrage with the word of God. The more I do this the typical bombardment becomes less and less. It is replaced with truth and light.

I am still struggling. I haven’t “beat” this. It took years to get me to this place, and it’s going to take some undoing. It’s hard for me to admit to this weakness . . . this chink in my armor. But I know without a doubt that there are others out there who find themselves in this sinking ship of fear. If you are one of them, I urge you to join me and “Fight the good fight for the true faith. Hold tightly to the eternal life to which God has called you.”(1 Tim 6:12) “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” (2 Tim. 1:7)